Well, here we are, the turn of a new year. I have dyed my hair pink in celebration (yes PINK, ocB!) and am heading out shortly for some kind of party. I'm not usually much of a party goer but I figure it's time to change that. I need to be more sociable... coz ya never know who you're gonna meet or what new friends you can make, right?

I had a date last night, which is a pretty good way to finish the year, I figure. I'm not going to say more than that for now... we'll see after a second date. Gotta keep you kids coming back for more! *wink*

Have a great and SAFE new year, everyone. Be smart but have fun. May 2006 be filled with love, joy and peace.

L'Chaim and Cheers!!

 

A Palestinian stabbed an Israeli near Jerusalem at a bus stop.


A suicide bomber killed an Israeli soldier (and a few Palestinians) as he tried to enter Israel from the West Bank. Have a look at Meryl's take on this.


Rockets from Lebanon find their way over into Israeli territory (the town of Kiryat Shmona) with Al Qaeda claiming responsibility??. Israel strikes back.

Happy Chanukah, Day 5. :-/

 
I saw two movies yesterday, Brokeback Mountain and The Chronicles of Narnia.

For those not in the know, Brokeback Mountain is about two cowboys in the 60's who struggle to come to terms with feelings for each other in a rather unforgiving and intolerant society. It follows the men over 20 years as they fall apart and come back together despite trying to move on and live as straight men. It's heart wrenching watching them try and shut off that part of themselves in order to lead a more accepted life. If your mind is open enough when you watch you will forget that this is a "gay love story" and just see it as a love story like any other. If you are not so open it might be tough for you to watch two men embrace, hug and find love in each other's arms. How you see this movie is up to you.

It's a slow paced film, but it can really be no other way. Given the nature of the film it has to move at a slow steady pace in order to allow the proper character development. I thought it was great and I hope it helps people understand that gay love is just like any other love...

Also, there was a trailer for another film I'd like to see called "Imagine You & Me". It's about a couple about to get married, but before the wedding takes place the woman unexpectedly falls in love with someone else; another woman. Ah yes, nothing like a movie about straight people realizing they might not be so straight afterall! (see: Brokeback Mountain)

Moving right along.... to The Chronicles of Narnia. I read the book some 20 years ago when it was called "The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe". Seeing as I can't recall what I had for lunch yesterday, it's safe to assume I wasn't going to remember anything about a book I read when I was 11 years old. That made it fun to go see the movie because I didn't have the foggiest clue what it was about (other than a lion, a witch and a wardrobe).

When I entered the theatre it was full of children.... one of my very favourite movie-going scenarios! (*ack!*) But hey, what did I expect.. it was a film directed at a younger audience afterall. I grabbed a seat at the back (read: as far from children as possible) and settled in for a 2 hour and 20 minute fantasy come true. I am happy to report that it was very well done, especially the lion that had me squinting at the screen and wondering.. is that thing real or computer animated?? I thought the kids in the movie were great (though the youngest one annoyed me a bit) and I continue to love Tilda Swinton (who bore very similar makeup in her role in Constantine). All in all, a great tale with fantastic special effects, though I have to say some parts are a bit dark/violent for really young kids... so beware.

Did anybody else see them? Any thoughts?

Before I go I'd like the person who nominated me for Best Personal Blog in the Jewish & Israeli Blog Awards to raise his or her hand. Come on, now! Well, whoever you are, I am flattered that I was thought of though I was not at all expecting to be nominated this year. The awards have taken on a much larger feel to them this year since Jerusalem Post is sponsoring it and I felt like it was way out of my league. Indeed, I am out of my league and don't expect my nomination to go far, but what they say is actually true.... I really am honoured that I was nominated. I had no idea I was even nominated! Thanks.

For the full listing of nominations you can see the list here.

 
- Know what makes me happy? An empty email inbox. When I finally have time to sit down and answer all the emails that have been sitting there demanding my attention, and I get to clean up the mess that is my inbox. Oh how I love it. Maybe it's the neat freak in me, but I like my inbox spotless whenever possible. Since I haven't had a real home base or steady computer use for about 4 months this has been a rarity, but I have managed to achieve it twice now in the last week. Joy!

- Speaking of computer I can't wait to get mine set up properly again. I have my laptop setup in one room with internet access, and I have my desktop set up in another room to play my new games, F.E.A.R. and Star Wars Battlefront II. I have been playing Star Wars all day today but haven't got F.E.A.R. running smoothly yet. It's going to take some serious tweaking to get this resource-thirsty game to play. Star Wars is bringing me plenty of joy though as I get to run around as a Jedi. I am hoping I don't need to buy more RAM or a new video card to play F.E.A.R. Does anyone have a connection for vid cards and can help me get a deal? *wagwag*

- I. Am. Canadian.

- It's been raining the last few days which is melting my snow. This is making me very unhappy. I went running around in the snow earlier today and even tried to get my cat to join me, but it was a no go. He's not all that fond of cold wet feet it would seem. Coward!

- For some reason I can't get DVDs to play properly on my desktop computer; I have picture but no sound. Strange considering I have sound for everything else (video games, music) but not for the movies. I tried Realplayer and Windows Media but they both seem to be having the same problem. I mucked around with all the sound settings but got nowhere. Any ideas?

- Mmmmm! Free movie fonts!

- I have been reading a book called "American Gods" by Neil Gaiman. I picked it up because he was originally a comic book writer whose work I enjoyed immensely and I heard great things about his book so I thought I'd try it. If you like Clive Barker, William Gibson, or Stephen King (and ya like strange, sometimes sci-fi stuff) you might like this. It's really quite a huge book (600+ pages) which would normally take me a year or two to read but I have been going through this quite quickly. It deals with wars between Gods of old (Norse, Greek, Irish Gods..etc..) and Gods of new (American Gods). Nice original idea and gives food for thought. Check it out!

- Bloggers I have met: Allison Kaplan, Rinat, Mulder, Chayyei Sarah, Civax, dark1r, Gilly, IfYouWillIt, Dave, Noorster, Imshin, Shai, John, Harry, Brian Blum, David, and I think a couple more from the Israeli Blogger Bash I went to last year..

- Bloggers I have talked to on the phone: Jonathan, Yael and Sam.

- Bloggers I wish I could meet: Tzaddi, Celti, Laurence, Occasional Bitch, Yael, Lisa, Peninah, Rat, Solomonia, Tango, Tech Wench, Janet, si, and Meryl.

- Bloggers I am most likely to meet next: Cassiopeia (she lives less than an hour away in my ole home town) and Sam.

- Speaking of bloggers, there's a new kid on the block; Mia, half Israeli half Swiss. There's a crazy combo, no? Go check out her blog, Mia's World.

- am I the only one who is annoyed that Blogger's spellcheck always questions the word "blog" (or any variation thereof)? You'd think that would be in Blogger's list of words/dictionary.

- So Google has finally come out with an instant messaging/chat program (a la "MSN Messenger") called Google Talk and I had been hmm-ing and ha-ing over whether or not to bother installing it. Finally dark1r encouraged me to download it, so I did. *shrug* I haven't actually found anyone online at the same time as me to try the damn thing out yet, so I can't give you much of a review. Such is the problem with new programs. I think y'all oughtta download it and try it out with me.

- Batman's boner.

- am I too old to play with Lite Brite?

- is it wrong of me to laugh when Dave over at Israellycool makes fun of the French?

- I have to say, it pleased me to no end that someone found my blog by typing this into Google: "I am who I am today because of the choices I made yesterday. I regret nothing."

- I am hopelessly addicted to a web surfing tool called "Stumble Upon" (I got it as a Firefox Extension, but anyone can get it and use it). It allows you to enter in topics of interest into a list (which can be refined as often as you like) and it finds random cool websites of interest to you. You give it the thumbs up or down as to whether or not you like it and it helps the program to 'learn' about what you enjoy and directs you to similar pages. I have spent HOURS using it and it has me enjoying just plain ole surfing again. In fact, I'm gonna go do some stumbling right now!

 
Tonight is the second night of Chanukah and I find it hard to celebrate. Here I have been feasting on mounds of food with my family and friends and squealing over my presents, while thousands of people halfway around the world are still trying to put their lives back together after the tsunami that hit one year ago today. It makes me feel a bit guilty and shallow when I think about what they are going through and what I have just been enjoying over the last 24 hours. Life is good for me, and I hope I always remember that and remain humble. I watch memorials being held on tv and I mourn for the people who lost so much. I have heard mixed reports on whether or not things are getting better over there; some reports say that remarkable progress has been made, while others say that there are thousands of people still living in squalor. I pray that the progress continues and that these people feel hopeful once again...

 
So, Christmas is tomorrow and Chanukah begins tomorrow night. Worlds colliding!! I have been watching the news of the Christian enslaught in Bethlehem which always makes me happy for some reason. I guess I'm just happy that the tourists haven't been scared off.

I have been dropping hints to family and friends about what I'd like if they need last minute suggestions. I nearly bought myself the most wonderful cereal bowls ever until I remembered that this was about shopping for *other* people, not myself. But come on, we all know how much I love cereal and these bowls were perfect; matching spoons? Check. Deep bowls, perfect for holding lots o' cereal and milk? Check. Tony the Tiger and Toucan Sam on the sides of the bowl with matching spoons? Check and check! Sadly, my dad did not get to the Wal-Mart on time and despite trying 4 locations was unable to find me my bowls; they were sold out. *pout*

Meanwhile my mom and grandma have been busy cooking (I have been busy stealing tastes of food and dodging smacks in the kitchen). Cleaning and last minute shopping were on my agenda today and was happy when I found Wal-Mart empty when I got there at 9am. The house is looking and smelling great and my cat Isaac adds to the ambience; happiness is a cat in a basket by the fireplace. That's when a house is a home. Sadly, this will be the first holiday season without my beloved cat Abbey, whom you may recall died in September while I was in Israel. Her picture now hangs over the fireplace and serves as a wonderful reminder of the companionship she shared with us. She will be missed.

Tomorrow I will see my brother for the first time since he and his girlfriend (of 17 years!) finally ran away to get married in Costa Rica. Yay! It might have been a better trip if my brother hadn't picked up one of them nasty bugs down there that keeps me from travelling to such places. Poor lad had a rough honeymoon. Hopefully some grandma cooking will do him some good.

Anyway, I don't need to bore you with family stuff... I hope you are all having a safe and happy holiday, be Christmas, Chanukah or Chrismukah!

 
Ah yes, the Chrismukah madness is in full swing now. Shopping, helping the parents prepare, more shopping, wrapping, and following people around in parking lots to get their parking space. And where did I pack my chanukiyah before I left for my trip? I'll be happy when this is over.

All this rushing and craziness has resulted in some spectacular bonehead moves on my part. Wednesday night I was looking at my blog statistics and saw a familiar ISP address.. a cousin of mine (my mom's first cousin) had been on my blog. Eek! No family allowed on this blog! So I wrote a polite but firmly worded email to this cousin whom I haven't seen in years and never speak to, only to realize later that I was looking at the wrong blog statistics; he was, in fact, on the blog I had established for my family in an effort to keep some privacy on this blog. Feeling like a supreme jackass I wrote him and grovelled and apologized endlessly. He said he understood and it was no problem but I still felt horrible; nice way to greet a family member you haven't spoken to in ages! *sigh*

Bonehead move number two came yesterday when I was out driving. Who needs a cell phone to distract you when you can just have your mother in the car telling you she doesn't want to go to THAT grocery store she wants to go to the OTHER grocery store. Annoyed conversation ensues and I went right through a red light. I still feel terrible about it and have flashbacks of people slamming their brakes on to avoid me. Nagging mother or not it was my fault for not paying attention and I drop to my knees and thank the lord I didn't hit anyone. It could have been catastrophic (I was driving an SUV at the time) and was a stomach turning lesson in paying attention when driving. I was tense driving for the rest of the day and suggested to my mother that if she wanted to give directions maybe SHE would like to bloody well drive. Did I mention I'll happy when the holidays are over??

Meanwhile my 85 year old grandmother (whom I adore) has come to stay for the week here at my parents place adding to the chaos of it all. She is the glue that holds this family together but she also has a way of making us all a bit crazy. She's very good at giving direction and telling us what to do from the couch. But hey, she brought cookies so I'll take the orders being barked at me.

Anyway, I am heading back to my old office to partake in "a non-denominational celebration" otherwise known as a Christmas party, but everyone is too afraid to call it that. After that it's back home to finish up some wrapping, try to do some more unpacking (I'm almost out of my living-in-a-suitcase phase!). If I am *really* lucky I might even get to set up my computer! I picked up a new flat panel monitor because my old monitor got scratched up while in storage (and despite being unemployed I feel I can afford a monitor! *gulp!*). I am dying to get my computer set up because I happen to know that the Chrismukah fairy is sending a couple of video games my way. Yeeha!!!

I hope you are all surviving the holidays ok..... try and enjoy it and not get too stressed out. :-)

 
Ok, raise your hand if you remember that the Palestinians said they would stop firing rockets from Gaza if Israel pulled out of the Gaza Strip? Remember that? Remember Israel dragging it's people from their homes in order to get out of Gaza? The Palestinians had said they would stop attacking from that Strip if Israel gave the land back (but wouldn't vow to stop West Bank attacks, of course. they gotta stage their attacks from *somewhere* afterall!).

Well, in the past week the Palestinians have been firing rockets once again from the Gaza Strip, and the Israeli Defense Forces are mulling over just how strong a retaliation should be put into motion. And the cheeky Palestinian "activists" (aka: terrorists) have vowed to continue their attacks. You know, despite the fact that they got Gaza back. Palestinian officials are quick to tell Israel they would be impeding things if they were to escalate the situaton (read: stop the rocket attacks) but hey, SOMEBODY has to stop them from firing rockets into Israel since the Palestinian "Authority" certainly hasn't been. Do they really expect Israel to just let rockets rain down on their heads?? Are you kidding me?

 
Well, I had me a great weekend, how about you kids?

Friday I got a call from a friend of mine (actually her company used to work for mine and we have both since left our jobs) whom I had contacted when I got back to Canada to see if she knew of any work available in our industry. She called to tell me she had the perfect job for me and gave me a contact name and said that she told the woman to expect my call. I had to wait until Monday to make the call, as my friend gave me this info at 6pm on Friday. I spent all weekend rehearsing what I would say when I called the woman.....

Saturday I got together for a big holiday potluck dinner with all my old highschool friends, as we do every year. We exchange presents, eat lots of food, drink plenty, and play cards. As always it was fantastic and for once we even got into a couple of fiery political debates. Very unusual for us as a group to argue politics, but it was 3am and most of them were drunk so the upcoming election suddenly became the topic of choice. I enjoyed the debate and was happy to see it remained civil and didn't get ugly, as politics and drinking can do to a discussion, even among friends.

Sunday I officially moved in with my parents, at least for the foreseeable future. I have at least partially unpacked with one of two suitcases left to be unpacked. I have my car back and I am still temping at my old job. Things seem to be falling into place for me finally and my mood is continuing to pick up.

Today I called the contact name regarding the job my friend had mentioned. I was cautious about calling because it is the American division of the company I was working for and is therefore a slight conflict of interest for me. The American division is opening up Canadian positions up here and therefore competition for the people I worked with before. The interview on the phone went very well and I will have a face to face interview in the first week of January when they come up to do second interviews. I am perfect and quite qualified for the job (duh, I worked for the Canadian counterpart for 4 years) and so I am hoping the job will be mine. I don't want to get too excited, but hey, it's more pay, working out of home and travelling on the road a lot (oh, and offers car, cell phone and health benefits!). I'm keeping my fingers crossed. (Alex and Deborah... you were right. If you keep the faith, better jobs seem to come your way!)

Ah yes, and how can I forget the best part of my phone interview today?? The woman interviewing me today (from Michigan) gave me the "American view on Canada" quote of the day: "And I learned something else about Canada while I have been doing these interviews! I learned about Time Zones!" ('What do you mean?' I asked) "I didn't know you guys had the same time zones up there!!"

Oh how I love American ignorance of Canadians... it amuses me. Coz guess what, lady! Times zones aren't just an American, or even North American, phenomena! The WHOLE WORLD is divided into time zones! Imagine that!

Anyway, to continue my fine mood today I called up Rogers and cancelled my cell phone service and internet service. I hate you, Rogers and I was happy to move all my blog stuff off your server and take my business away from you. Good riddance.

How was everyone else's weekend? And are you sending me job-getting mojo??

 
So yesterday there were all these doomsday reports about a giant snowstorm that was coming to Toronto to kick our collective ass. By noon the snow began to fall and I began to dance the snow dance. I love me a big ole snowstorm, oh yes I do. I then had to run an errand for work (recall: temping back at my old job) and it took 1.5 hours instead of 45 mins because the highways were already a mess. As soon as I returned to work at 4pm I left to try and get ahead of the storm (the staff were all let go at 3:30pm to try and beat the storm home). As happy as I am to see snow I can't say I was entirely thrilled that my drive home, which normally takes 20-30 minutes, took 2 hours... especially considering I had already spent 1.5 hours in the car just before my commute home.Anyway! We braced for what was expected to be the worst storm in 25 years only to be disappointed when we awoke this morning and found that it had stopped snowing in the night and the roads were more or less clean. Boooooo!!! Gimme the storm you promised me!!! I don't care that the temperatures went above the freezing mark or whatever it is that happened to rob me of my snow.... you owe me snow, damnit!!

In happier news I did go and see King Kong on Wednesday night and thoroughly enjoyed the 3 hour epic. My fears of a horrible looking fake ape were unfounded as the effects were breathtaking. The only thing I have to say I wasn't pleased with was Jack Black in the lead role. I like him and all, I think he's plenty funny, I just don't think he should have been cast in this role. Much like Chevy Chase should never have tried being a late night talk show host. Not every role is for every man; I'm sorry, that's just the way it is. Good on you for trying to stretch your acting wings, Jack... but not this time. Better luck next time!

Speaking of movies, I am looking forward to the release of Steven Spielberg's next film, Munich, based on the Munich Massacre. At the 1972 summer Olympic games 11 Israeli atheletes were taken hostage by Palestinian terrorists and eventually killed. The movie covers the massacre and the events that followed that tragedy (as Israel sets out to track down those responsible to assassinate them). The official website of the movie is here and the trailer can be seen here. I urge everyone to go out and see it for yourselves; given Spielberg's amazing and moving work about the Holocaust with Schindler's List, this should be an excellent film. (release dates are here if you are interested)

And speaking of Jews (like how I tie all the topics together for a smooth segue??) it should be noted that Dave over at Israellycool is hosting the Jewish and Israeli Blog Awards for the second year in a row. A big thanks goes to Dave for his tireless efforts to run such a massive endevour, it's much appreciated. If you like reading Jewish blogs I ask that you head on over to Dave's JIB Award's post to put in your nomination and show some support (and NO this is not me fishing for a nomination.. go show some other blogs some lovin'! Have you hugged a Jew today??). And it looks like Dave has Jerusalem Post involved as well! Nice one, Dave!!

And speaking of Jewish bloggers, have you checked out my darling Noorster over in Hungary? You may recall that she was the sweet blogger who offered to take me on a tour of Budapest when I was stopping over there on my way to Israel in August. See how bloggers take care of each other??? She's the best, so go pop over and see just how funny a girl she is.

That's it for me, Shabat Shalom and have a great weekend!

 
Well, it looks like today is going to be a good day. I woke up to more snow coming down and promises of continued snowfall for the next couple of days. Colour me happy. And of course, tonight is the opening night of King Kong and my geek friends and I will be lined up nice and early to jockey for the best seats. I am generally very opposed to "fake apes" as they are usually so horribly obvious, but I am suspending my disbelief and putting my full faith in Peter Jackson. He did such an amazing job with Lord of the Rings (with the exception of those walking and talking trees which I thought were awful) and so I hope he can wow me and make me believe I really am watching a giant ape. Good luck with the dinosaurs though, coz in my mind that's worlds colliding and it takes away from my suspension of disbelief. One beast at a time! (unless it's Godzilla, in which case Kong is gonna kick his ass!)

Until movie time I am sitting here at my old job "temping" this week since they don't seem to be in any way inclined to hire me back despite the fact that no one replaced me (yes, I was that useless. shuttup!! lol). It's fine with me, I can use the money and I need to find a job that makes me happy anyway. This weekend I will likely move in with my parents and resume control of my car again from my friend. There are pros and cons to these situations, none of which I will bore you with. Use your keen imagination.

But before I go let me just offer a geography tip to the president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad....
To preface, you may recall that the Iranian president said last month that Israel should be wiped right off the map. Get rid of those damn dirty Jews who are mucking everything up! Well now the Iranian president is saying the the Holocaust is nothing but a myth! Yes, those lying rat bastard Jews made up this crazy-ass story just for world attention and the only piece of land in the middle east that has no oil. He then went on to suggest that Israel be moved (and here comes the geography lesson, kids!): "Our proposal is this: Give a piece of your land in Europe, the United States, Canada or Alaska so they (Jews) can create their own state" Ahmadinejad said. First of all, Jews already have their own state, or haven't you heard? It's called Israel. Indeed, it's formal name is the State of Israel. Secondly, psst!... Alaska is a part of the United States. I'm just sayin'!
See what happens when you let ignorant morons run countries? Ignorance breeds ignorance (not to mention racism, bigotry, hate, anti-semitism, etc etc..)

And now do you see why the world, not just Israel, should be worried by the fact that Iran will be nuclear ready in just THREE MONTHS? I say we send in Kong to take care of their nuclear facilities. They. Will. Fear. KONG!!!

 
First of all, let me thank everyone who commented and emailed me words of support and encouragement. You guys had me all teary eyed just reading your kind words and I appreciate it immensely. Hell, I just appreciate that you didn't all think of me as a whining child, which is wonderful in of itself!

My mood has slowly been improving and I credit some great snowfalls for that. As we all know, I love the snow and with some good snow storms blowing through the last few days my mood has lightened a bit. I also did what any sane girl does in a moment of blinding stupidity and depression... I coloured my hair. I picked up some semi-permanent hair colour while I was in England, by a company called Manic Panic. My colour of choice was Shocking Blue. Now, before you think I have gone right off my rocker and ensured absolutely NO employment in my future, let me point out that these colours are generally meant to be used on hair that has been lightened or bleached before applied, otherwise the colour doesn't really show up. That being said, because my hair is dark brown it doesn't show up... except for on my multitude of white hairs (as pictured here and discussed here). I have to say that I am quit pleased with the effect and if you didn't know that I was a girl with far too much grey hair for her age you would wonder how long I must have spent dying individual hairs like that. It looks pretty damn cool, let me tell ya (I just tried taking a picture but need better light. I'll try again tomorrow). And it washes out after a few days or so which is great for those who are none to committal or like to change the colour often. I'd like to get a few other colours if I could afford it (which I can't)... something Hot Pink or maybe Ultra Violet?

Anyway, I also got a new phone (because evidently I feel rich when I am unemployed!). My old cellphone carrier, Rogers, had finally pissed me off enough to take my business elsewhere. So I got a new phone, a great new minutes package, and the most amazing free gift for signing up with my new carrier... 5.1 surround speakers from Logitech!! FOR FREE, I tells ya!! Awesome on SO many levels, not the least of which is the fact that I was looking into new speakers just before I left for my trip... now I don't have to worry! Now I just have to dig my computer out of storage.. :-/ But when I do my games are going to sound wicked!!

Yes, I am still living out of my suitcases. Literally. However, I am coming to terms with my current living situation and try my best to remember that this too shall pass. I have the wonderful support of you, my readers and really, what more can a girl ask for? (ok, OTHER than a job and my home and car back!)

Before I go:

- Survivor. The person I wanted to win did not. oh well.

- Aeon Flux rocked and I love Charlize Theron that much more. But how come she doesn't have her South African accent anymore seeing as she left when she was 19?? I happen to like South Africans and their charming accents. ;-)

- I have learned I hate Samsung and love Nokia. I traded in a much nicer Samsung cell phone for a lesser (in terms of bells and whistles) Nokia phone because I just like their layout better. I don't need the fancy stuff, I just want a phone that works easily (though I did enjoy tormenting my cat with the "angry cat" ringtone on my Samsung)

- my cat seems to have asthma. this may very well cost me a fortune (and my parents just dropped a fortune on him while I was away... his vet bills for several teeth pulled was over $1000. what can I say, my parents were afraid of me coming home to NO cats since one already died). this will be the second cat I have had that's had asthma. must do more reading.

- I am going to see King Kong opening night (Wednesday). I am counting on you Peter Jackson of Lord of the Rings fame! It had better be awesome!!

 
Sorry I haven’t posted in a while but there just isn’t that much to say lately. I am prone to fits of self pity and melancholy and who wants to go to a blog to read that? I’ll try to explain my situation without whining too much.

As a recap, my living situation is as such: my apartment (as well as my car) is currently occupied by a best friend of mine, with the original plan being that we would move into a two bedroom place when I returned and be roommates. That is still the plan, but the plan really requires me to have a job (he too is short on employment at the moment, which is a bit worrisome). Meantime, I have been staying in my parents apartment located directly above MY apartment, right in the same building. However, shortly after my return my parents new home was ready and they began moving out to the new house. At this point, all the furniture has been moved out and I am left in their apartment (theirs until Dec 31st) with a tv, a bed and little else (kitchen notwithstanding, the apt comes with fridge and stove and there’s still most of my parents food stuff here). So now I am left to sit on a blanket on the floor in the empty apartment to watch tv or to go and lay and bed and read, with my surviving cat here to keep me company (you may recall that my other cat died while I was away, a point that has been painfully and tearfully drilled home since my return). I have ceased to sleep well at night and spend far too much time playing poker on my cell phone. If I want internet I take my laptop downstairs to my apartment to get online. Why have I not moved with my parents? I will, but I will stay in this apartment as long as I can because it means I can borrow my car from my friend and if I can’t I am still close to public transit. If I move in with my parents I am farther away from my friend and my car and more importantly, farther away from public transportation. I will live more comfortably (my parents new home is huge) but I will feel more isolated than ever as it is farther away from my friends and a means of traveling.

At this point I have to really wrestle with feeling regretful and depressed. In my lowest moments I stare at the white walls of this apartment, with bare nails stuck in the walls where pictures recently hung, and wonder what the hell I am going to do. My life feels completely out of control and I am trying desperately to remain positive. Sometimes I can remain positive and look at this as a moment to finally make a big change in my life. Now I can move forward in whatever direction I wish. Sometimes I am not nearly that positive and I wonder if the trip I took was worth it. The sting of regret bites hard when I look back at how the trip turned out and what a wash out the program turned out to be. Had I known I wouldn’t have done it, and I hate admitting that. I feel like a failure.

But here I am. I must find some way to get control of my life again. I need to swallow my pride for a bit and live with my parents again. Pride is not a luxury I can afford, and certainly not when it comes to my job search. I need a job and now is not the time to be choosey. I have had no luck so far which has been disheartening and hasn’t improved my outlook any. My mother, ever helpful, suggested I try to get a job at the liquor store (in Canada liquor can only be purchased in liquor stores, and those stores are controlled by the government.. therefore, good pay if you can get it). I just shook my head at my mother’s suggestion that her alcoholic daughter get a job at a liquor store; she never really did get it, so I shouldn’t really be surprised. I guess she figures that 6.5 years of sobriety means I am cured! Haha.. yeah, a job at the liquor store when I am feeling like my life is a mess… what could possibly go wrong?? Hahahaha……
Anyway, I am doing my best not to wallow in misery and self pity, but it’s hard. By having no car and no proper access to the internet I feel like I don’t even have the tools to help pull myself out of this hole. I need to get a job, damnit. Anyone got a job???

The glass is half full….. or as I joked with my friend this morning, the apartment is half full. :-)

“Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh, take me back to the start.”
-Coldplay

 
I woke yesterday morning to find news of another bombing in Israel, in the town of Netanya. My heart stopped as I thought of my friend, dark1r, who lives in Netanya. As I watched the news to try and get some clue as to whether or not he is ok I gasped as I saw that the bombing took place in the mall that we had gone to together mere weeks ago. Only now when I read the names of the victims am I relieved to see he is not among them and I begin to feel sorry for those who are lost. And of course my sorrow slowly turns to the all-too-familiar rage.

I was going to post about the good and bad things that have been going on over the last 2 days but I think I'll wait until tomorrow. Be back then....

 
On one hand it's great to be home..... back to family and friends and even some snow (yay!!!). On the other hand... I am living with the parents (whose life is in upheaval as they move this week) and I have no job. My home and car are occupied by my friend and since I have no job I cannot acquire these things back. I need a job, and pronto. My job search has been hampered by a cold that I picked up immediately upon landing in Canada and the fact that my friend has my car (he can afford my lease payments, I cannot, so he gets to drive it). This situation is sucking ass, to put it mildly.

I have given in and had my internet hooked up again in my apartment ... except I don't actually live there so I have to come knocking on MY apartment door to ask my friend if I can come in with MY laptop to use MY internet connection at MY desk. It's costing me $50 a month for internet that I am barely using. How happy is that making me?

Anyway. Whine whine whine. Basically I need to get a job and fast. It's the only way I can get my life back in order. However, this time of year sucks when it comes to finding work so that isn't helping things at all.

Anywone got a job for me?

P.S.
Two blogs to check out: if you haven't before, go see Angry Chad. Whenever I feel really pissed off I go there and I always feel better. Also, Jeru Guru is going on my blogroll, so go have a peek.