Monday, February 28, 2011
love sick
I don't know how long this "honeymoon" phase of love lasts, but it's going on for quite a while now. No doubt it's quite disgusting to observe, so we do our best to leave our coos, hugs and over-the-top adoration for behind closed doors. And I'm sure some life-cynic will happily squash my joy and say that my marriage will inevitably fade to comfort and routine, but for now, I'm lovin' it. I just got back from a 5 day business trip and it really caused us to be grateful towards each other and re-ignited the fire. We realized what it is to be apart and "lose" the one you love, so we are reconnecting all over again.

And for those nay-sayers.... of course my marriage has ups and downs and we have our squabbles and tiffs too.... but that's all part of the equation and helps maintain the balance. So bully you! I'm in love and I don't care what you haters say! ;-P

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Tuesday, February 15, 2011
the fine line between contemplation and dwelling...
I find that I dwell on things that are irrational or pointless to dwell upon because it cannot be changed. In a recent conversation with a friend, we have found we do the same. We dwell in fear of "what would happen if" we were to lose our spouses. It's funny how the human brain tends to gravitate towards misery, even when it's happy.

I'm happy right now... the happiest I've ever been. I just got married on New Year's Eve and I have never been so content. Except that I am now waiting for the proverbial "other shoe to drop". It's like... I'm expecting something bad to happen because I have finally, after 36 years, found happiness. I know I deserve it, it's nothing like that.... I don't know how to describe it, other than a fear of losing what I have now that I finally have it.

I experienced a hard loss in the family recently and I had such deep empathy for the wife. I imagined it being me and wondered what would happen if *I* lost my spouse. You think your life is set... you've found "the one" you are going to grow old with and spend the rest of your life loving.. but then fate steps in and robs you of that happiness. And you have no control over it.

So how do we learn to push that fear down? How do we acknowledge that it's always a possibility but don't let it paralyze us from living our lives to it's fullest? It's all well and good to say that we shouldn't dwell on the inevitable, but how do you stop it? How does one learn to live fully in the moment?

Perhaps it's time I get meditation and reflection back into my life.... but not too much reflection!

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Tuesday, February 08, 2011
pondering rebirth
As I have been contemplating kick starting this blog again... and/or possibly starting another..... I thought about a cousin of mine that used to enjoy reading my blog. I didn't ever give this blog address out to any friends or family, rather, I enjoyed the anonymity of blogging without having to worry about self-editing of my thoughts.

I had created a separate blog for friends and family 5 years ago when I went on a 3 month trip to Israel, and kept this one on the go at the same time. But when I returned from my trip my "friends and family blog" fell by the wayside as I focused on this blog once again. So my cousin (my mother's cousin, I guess.. he's her age) poked around the internet a bit until he found this one and he secretly read it. I started to catch on when my site tracker on both blogs reflected his location, and he did eventually confess to me that he couldn't help it, he just loved to read my blog. He promised he wouldn't ever reveal to anyone what I wrote on here, understanding that I confessed things on here that I didn't to my family. I was flattered that he enjoyed my writing so much and trusted that he would keep mum about what he read, which he did.

So a few days ago I wondered if he was still checking in here once in a while or if I'd have to let him know I dusted it off. And no sooner did I think about him, wondered how he was, and if he'd be happy to read this again, then I got the news that he had passed away. My mother called me on Monday and sobbed that his wife had gone to the bedroom to say good night to him after he went to bed early, and she found that he was gone....

I've been so sad since. He would have liked me carrying this on..... would have enjoyed reading my silly thoughts on world issues and my tales of life and love. I'll miss him and maybe I'll hope he's still reading, somehow.... somewhere....

I'll miss you, cousin Jimmy.

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Friday, February 04, 2011
what to do, what to do..
I'm torn. On one hand, I feel like starting a new blog with a new persona and a completely different focus. On the other hand, the events in Egypt recently make me want to dive back into this blog... which is basically a blog of my personal rambles, peppered with social commentary (often focused on the Middle East).

Can't decide, but feeling the need for blogging again. Got stuff in my head I need to work through and have always found blogging to be good for that......

Thursday, February 03, 2011
I believe I've said this before...
I know I keep saying it, but I'm thinking of dipping my foot back into the blogging pool again. I've always said I started blogging for a reason, and a need at the time, and now my blogging has dwindled as the need dissipated....
But now I feel a new need... but this might require a new blog. I'll to think about it. Maybe I can mesh the concept of this blog and my new direction, but I'm not sure...