Thursday, December 08, 2005
the glass is half full.. HALF FULL... right. Not half empty.
Sorry I haven’t posted in a while but there just isn’t that much to say lately. I am prone to fits of self pity and melancholy and who wants to go to a blog to read that? I’ll try to explain my situation without whining too much.

As a recap, my living situation is as such: my apartment (as well as my car) is currently occupied by a best friend of mine, with the original plan being that we would move into a two bedroom place when I returned and be roommates. That is still the plan, but the plan really requires me to have a job (he too is short on employment at the moment, which is a bit worrisome). Meantime, I have been staying in my parents apartment located directly above MY apartment, right in the same building. However, shortly after my return my parents new home was ready and they began moving out to the new house. At this point, all the furniture has been moved out and I am left in their apartment (theirs until Dec 31st) with a tv, a bed and little else (kitchen notwithstanding, the apt comes with fridge and stove and there’s still most of my parents food stuff here). So now I am left to sit on a blanket on the floor in the empty apartment to watch tv or to go and lay and bed and read, with my surviving cat here to keep me company (you may recall that my other cat died while I was away, a point that has been painfully and tearfully drilled home since my return). I have ceased to sleep well at night and spend far too much time playing poker on my cell phone. If I want internet I take my laptop downstairs to my apartment to get online. Why have I not moved with my parents? I will, but I will stay in this apartment as long as I can because it means I can borrow my car from my friend and if I can’t I am still close to public transit. If I move in with my parents I am farther away from my friend and my car and more importantly, farther away from public transportation. I will live more comfortably (my parents new home is huge) but I will feel more isolated than ever as it is farther away from my friends and a means of traveling.

At this point I have to really wrestle with feeling regretful and depressed. In my lowest moments I stare at the white walls of this apartment, with bare nails stuck in the walls where pictures recently hung, and wonder what the hell I am going to do. My life feels completely out of control and I am trying desperately to remain positive. Sometimes I can remain positive and look at this as a moment to finally make a big change in my life. Now I can move forward in whatever direction I wish. Sometimes I am not nearly that positive and I wonder if the trip I took was worth it. The sting of regret bites hard when I look back at how the trip turned out and what a wash out the program turned out to be. Had I known I wouldn’t have done it, and I hate admitting that. I feel like a failure.

But here I am. I must find some way to get control of my life again. I need to swallow my pride for a bit and live with my parents again. Pride is not a luxury I can afford, and certainly not when it comes to my job search. I need a job and now is not the time to be choosey. I have had no luck so far which has been disheartening and hasn’t improved my outlook any. My mother, ever helpful, suggested I try to get a job at the liquor store (in Canada liquor can only be purchased in liquor stores, and those stores are controlled by the government.. therefore, good pay if you can get it). I just shook my head at my mother’s suggestion that her alcoholic daughter get a job at a liquor store; she never really did get it, so I shouldn’t really be surprised. I guess she figures that 6.5 years of sobriety means I am cured! Haha.. yeah, a job at the liquor store when I am feeling like my life is a mess… what could possibly go wrong?? Hahahaha……
Anyway, I am doing my best not to wallow in misery and self pity, but it’s hard. By having no car and no proper access to the internet I feel like I don’t even have the tools to help pull myself out of this hole. I need to get a job, damnit. Anyone got a job???

The glass is half full….. or as I joked with my friend this morning, the apartment is half full. :-)

“Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh, take me back to the start.”