Thursday, March 11, 2004
the (pity) party is over.
I decided this morning that it was time I stopped being a drama queen. Everyone is allowed a bad day or two, and after two days of being on an emotional rollercoaster I decided it was time to get off. Running away to my cave and hiding wasn't going to solve anything, and after seeing the news this morning about the terrorist attack on a train in Spain I decided there are people out there with worse troubles than mine. It was time to get a grip and see that the sky is not really falling like it seemed. Sometimes I have a habit of allowing myself to get overwhelmed and when that happens I just shut down. I used to have someone I would be able to talk it all through with and let it out, but I am without that close friendship now and I need to start finding my own ways of dealing with things. So. I let myself have a couple of days to freak out, but now it's time to calm down and re-evaluate things. Everything has a solution, sometimes you just gotta take a step back and then look at it again with fresh eyes.
And thanks to all of you who were so sweet and supportive as I had my little meltdown; it's nice to know there are people lookin' out for me. :-) I love you guys!

Anyway, my day yesterday was up and down. My boss took me aside and had the same pep talk with me that he did a few months back (about making my job anything I want it to be and he'd back me 100%). I nearly started crying because I was just NOT in the mood for such a serious conversation. All I wanted to do was crawl under a rock and have the world leave me the hell alone. When he was done he asked me what I thought and I told him that I was in no frame of mind to offer him an intelligent response and that I would have to get back to him.

After that I went back to tackling the computer problems that proved to be the catalyst for my meltdown the day before. Finally, after spending some time with my isp tech support we got the problem resolved. My mood picked up after that as I finally solved the problem, and there's a certain level of satisfaction that comes with that. I knew that I had been stressing about this ridiculous problem the day before, but I didn't know to what extend until it was solved and I felt a wave of relief. So silly that I freaked out about it so much.

Then I got my work schedule for my second job, and found out I don't need to work this week. This also lifted my mood, as I think if ever there was a time I needed a break from school and my second job, it was this week. This also meant that I could take my parents into the scuba shop and go with them for their free trial lesson. It made my mom more comfortable knowing I would be there, and my dad was just plain excited about the whole thing.

When I went home to grab my bathing suit I found a bill in the mail (this good mood wasn't going to knew that right?? lol). It was my income tax bill..... lucky me, I owe $3500. I just put the bill back in the envelope and decided that I wasn't going to stress about it at that point (what good would that do?), and that I was just going to enjoy my evening diving. And so I did. My parents and I had a great time diving and swimming.

My mother called me twice this morning to tell me how excited she and my dad are and about how they want to buy some equipment and take lessons. Apparently they both had the best sleep of their lives (diving can be exhausting, especially to us newbies) and that they feel like a million bucks this morning. And I think my mom and I are both happy we got my dad into a hobby that he's excited about...coz the man is a workaholic and needs to find a way to unwind, bigtime.

As for me and the bigger picture....I need to figure out what made me freak out this week, and do something about it. I think part of it had to do with some unresolved issues with someone; but how do you resolve old disputes with a friend when you are no longer really in contact? I'll either have to write a letter (and not necessarily mail it) to get all my angst out or learn to let it go. I'm not especially thrilled with the idea of writing out how I feel because I'll have to go through all the feelings again in order to get it all down on paper. It didn't feel good the first time I felt it all, and I know it's going to feel just as bad the second time. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. So for now, I have to find some way to let it go; sometimes you just never get to say what you want to and that's just something one has to deal with. *shrug*

And I need to figure out what I'm going to do about money. I think that's a large part of why I've been freaking out, so it didn't help when I got that enormous bill. I have been considering getting a roommate, but don't know anyone that wants to move right now. Most of my friends either own a home or are still living at home for free and aren't exactly willing to pay to live somewhere else. And living with a stranger holds no appeal to me at all. A roommate would have been ideal because there is a two bedroom apartment opening up in my building and I would only have to move up a floor (and I love this building a lot). It woulda saved me $300 a month too. But alas, the person I wanted to move in with changed his mind and now I am back to square one. I have started going through ads to try and find a cheaper place.....I'll keep looking. I don't know what else to do.

That's about it. I'm feeling a bit better today, so I can start looking at things with a little more clarity. But I'd like to know who the hell called my cellphone at 11:45pm last night. I was sound asleep and by the time I got to my cell I had missed the call. I didn't recognize the number, but it's the same kind of number that comes up when someone calls me from overseas. So of course I freaked out and worried that something was wrong (hey, I was half asleep, and therefore not able to reason things out too well) so I went online to make sure nothing had happened in Israel. All seemed well, and whoever called didn't leave a message. *shrug* I have no idea what that was about.

Anyway, tonight is Survivor night, and provided Princess Blondie isn't out hunting for a new home with her boyfriend Bruno, we'll be doing our usual get-together to watch it. Hope all is well with you guys, and that you're having a better week than me. lol. Can't be to tough to achieve!

(if you need a laugh be sure to check out the dimwitted woman who tried to buy something at Wal-Mart with a million dollar bill! it managed to make me laugh, even in my most foul mood yesterday)