Saturday, January 03, 2004
So I had this big epiphany yesterday morning. I'm going to try and explain it now, but I fear that I have left the discussion too long and my attempt to word it will fail me and the idea will now seem less than spectacular. Seemed huge to me yesterday, will probably sound not-so-brilliant now. Anyway, here goes....

As I was getting ready for work yesterday I was in a bad mood. I was pissed off because I had to go into work when no one else in the office had to (except for my boss, which is why I was going in). And the same for today...I am going in shortly, while everyone else is enjoying the lingering days of the holidays in the comfort of their homes. Working on Saturday sucks, and when I stopped working retail jobs I said my days of working on the weekend (for the most part) would be over. So after heated words with the boss on Wednesday, I found myself grumbling Friday morning getting ready for work. It was at this point that I decided that I was going to quit. Now, I'm sure I believed for a moment that I would, but the fact of the matter is that it would be a dumb and rash decision. This is not the end of the world afterall, it's just an annoyance. But I was having a moment much like you do when you get mad and you have a crazy little secret fantasy pop into your head whereby you say or do something that you would never really do in real life. As liberating as the idea of 'going postal' seems, mercifully few people actually follow through.

Anyway, it was at this point that I decided to look at this differently. I'm all about trying to change my perceptions in the last few months, so rather than take this as some personal attack on my free time I tried to find some other reason as to why this obstacle had been thrown into my life. I had a moment where I thought....perhaps this is to give me a kick in the ass. No one usually changes unless something provokes them to, be it a health scare or boredom, or whatever. Perhaps this was meant to make me uncomfortable enough to make a change in my life and finally do something about what was making me unhappy. I have been thinking for quite sometime that my job is no longer as fulfilling as it once was, and is now slowly but surely making me miserable. It's tough because there are moments in which I do like my job, but they have become fewer and far between. I have been meaning to investigate other options, but had never really gotten around to it. Maybe this annoyance was just the first of many to come my way in order to make me do something about this festering unhappiness.

However, this opens a large can of worms that would need to be dealt with (and which have stopped me from making these changes in the past). If this is not what I want to do, then just what is it I DO want to do? I have to stay calm when I get into this rationale because I often begin to panic that it's a little late in the game to be deciding what I'm going to do when 'I grow up'; I have grown up, I'm 29 for god's sake! I take comfort in the fact that in highschool I made friends with a woman in her early 30's who had come back to get her highschool diploma, and then had gone on to be a nurse. We have remained friends 10 years later and she now runs a hospice and teaches all over the country. I keep telling myself, if she can do it, so can I.

"They say" you should do what you're passionate about. Or what you're good at. This where I have to fight the panic again. I'm really not good at much, you see. LOL. No really, I'm not trying to put myself down or anything, I just can't think of any outstanding skills that I possess, and I dropped out of university AND college as neither one held my attention. I'm willing to try school again, but I have to really want to be there. The end goal has to be something I am really hungry for in order to stick it out. So what is it I am passionate about? The only thing I have ever been unwavering about is my love of animals. I would love to work with animals. But in what capacity? I have no idea. Not a vet. Not a vet assistant. Not a groomer. *sigh* A zookeeper? Absolutely, but have you any idea how hard it is to get THAT job?? lol Not too many of those around.

So I have decided that my project will be to do some serious soul searching to dig up answers. The only problem is that I don't know what questions to ask in order to those answers. There is no "career catalogue" that I can sit down and just pick a job out of. I need to find some focus to my questions. I know there are all kinds of books in which they ask you a few hundred questions in order to assess your strengths and interests, but is that too cheesy? Do those books actually help? I have no idea. I don't even know where to begin.

This also spawns some other problems I should be addressing. Like my habit of living above my means. I have a wonderful apartment that I love very much, but I can't really afford it. If I am going to be serious about changes, I should really consider moving somewhere less expensive; it would help out immensely. (or do I wanna go all crazy and move to another country?? now THAT would be change) I will begin to look in classifieds, and take my time looking around.

The funny thing about all this is that my boss sat me down at work yesterday and had a long talk with me. He said he sees that I am unhappy at work, and likely bored. He said that it's time we re-examined my job description and find where the gaps are that are allowing my job to become stagnant. He said that HE didn't want to be the one to define my job description, he wanted ME to (I currently head up a division within the company). I was told that if I wished to do a major overhaul of my division he would support that in every way (ie: staff and finances). I was told I could do whatever I wanted, and if there was an area I was interested in, like doing more computer work (I am sometimes called upon to do some catalogue layouts and spec sheets), he would gladly allow me to do that as well. This would include him offering financial assistance if I wanted to take some computer courses. Pretty sweet deal, no? So why was I not excited? Is it too little too late, or was it because we were having this conversation at a time when I didn't even want to be there? lol I feel bad that he was making every effort to improve my outlook on my job and I had very little to say in response. I certainly wasn't enthusiastic, and he knew it.

So there you have it. I have decided it's time to get serious about finding some answers about myself. Do I stick it out at my job, remembering that I still like it from time to time and have been offered an opportunity to make all the changes in the world? Or do I begin my search for what my real passion is? Comfort, or the fear of change?

I will not change the world overnight, so I begin my journey as many would; I go online and begin looking around. I have also started to look through the classifieds for somewhere cheaper to live. All this is going to take time and patience, and I must remember that. I am not a very patient girl, so I will have to learn to be. Change takes time. Baby steps.
And I am *wide* open to any suggestions from anyone out there. ;-)

Heh. Now I'm late for work. Oops.