Sunday, February 08, 2004
walking on the moon
I have had this feeling come over me like a wave for the last few months now. Somehow I have moved from a place and time in my life where I always felt like there was a cloud over me. I was miserable and unhappy, and every little thing that went wrong seemed like the end of the world. I was depressed, not eating or sleeping well, and had a bleak outlook on my life. I felt like I was going nowhere and I was nobody, and I just didn't care about myself much. This had been my state of mind for longer than I can remember.

But in the last few months this cloud has lifted and I am feeling damn good. At first I didn't want to believe it or even talk about it. It's in my nature to assume the worst, and I just figured this was a passing moment of happiness. Much to my surprise not only did this happiness not pass, it grew. And it continues to grow week by week. Things that once would have sent me into the depths of depression (like finding out last week that I owe $3000 in back tax, for example) are now looked upon as obstacles or problems for which a solution can always be found if you look hard enough. Remarkably, now more than ever before, I feel like the world is my oyster and there are so many things I'd like to try and maybe pursue. THIS is how I should have felt at age 20, not 29.

I dropped off my resume yesterday to that dive shop, for instance. I looked around and got so excited about the possibilities this could open up for me if I let it. I watched people in the diving pool as they learned and I looked at all the diving equipment and felt butterflies of excitement in my stomach. What will come of this I wonder? Once upon a time fear of failure may have kept me from even trying, but now I feel like I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I stood in the shop and talked with the owners wife for a long time and we really hit it off. I was straight up with her and said I had no real diving experience, but I had lots of retail experience (a whopping 14 years) which is what they apparently really need. She said it was no problem that my diving experience was limited, I could always learn. By the time I walked out of that dive shop I was on cloud nine. I know that if I get this job I will be working long days from now on, maybe even a 50 -60 hour work week between my fulltime and part time job. But then I ask myself, how badly do I want this? Am I willing to work my ass off to get what I want? Isn't happiness worth it? There was a time when I was working 3 jobs at a time, so I am no stranger to hard work, I'm just a little out of practice. haha..
So. I am excited, but trying to keep myself grounded. That other side of me has not completely left, and it's trying to tell me not to get my hopes up. I don't even know if they were hiring! We'll see, time will tell. The woman said it would be at least a week before they got back to me, as they are busy this week. I'll have to stay patient.

And what of this Hebrew class I take? I can't believe how ridiculously happy this one little class makes me. It's so silly. I worry about my ability to study if I am working two jobs, but I will find a way. I'll do it on my lunch break or something. I can't let my studies suffer when it's something I really want. I will have to find a way to balance everything.

Other than that I have made a few changes to my habits this month too. I have been trying to eat better and get a little exercise, and would you believe that I am feeling SO much better for it?? haha... Wow there might be something to this whole "eating well and exercising" thing I've heard so much about. I have made the changes slowly so that it's attainable, not overwhelming. I know I can't change everything overnight, so I am taking baby steps towards change. And I give myself space for taking a step back once in a while; you have to be able to give yourself a break, you can't follow all the rules all of the time. If I want a cookie instead of an orange after lunch one day, then damnit, I will! It's all good. These things take time. So far it's gone well, and I'm feeling better everyday. A nice change from the lung problems I had last month (I'm including breathing exercises in my new regime and I am already starting to notice I can breathe better).

Anyway, I just thought I'd share that. :-)

Yesterday was spent with a bunch of my guy friends, and then when I came home I went across the hall to Princess Blondie's apartment and hung out a bit with her and her boyfriend Bruno and a friend she had over. A nice way to end my evening. :-)
Tonight I'm getting together with my brother and his girlfriend, and my parents, for dinner. Should be a really nice dinner with my family....a lovely way to finish off the weekend. :-) Hope everyone had a nice weekend, and Chag Sameach to those who celebrated Tu b'Shevat!