Friday, February 25, 2005
stress is my middle name
Firstly, let me thank you all for your words of support and encouragement. I was drifting towards a "no" on my debate over this possible trip to Israel (if you have no idea what I am talking about, read yesterday's post) and after reading all your words I have drifted back towards "yes".

I also received some encouragement, advice and insight from a fellow blogger. Much to my delight I got a phonecall from ck of Jewlicious fame! It's always fun connecting with other bloggers so I was thrilled to sit on the phone with him and just chill and chat it up for an hour or so. Talk about a super-sweet guy! (and he's Israeli..... and, well, we know how I feel about such things. LOL!) Anyway, he's given me a few pointers and told me a bit more about the program which was a great help. Thanks, ck!!!

All that being said, I have decided to accept the slot in the program and will begin the process of begging for money. Don't go and get all excited and start applauding me just yet... I am a long way from actually being able to go. There is a LOT of money that I will need to raise if I am seriously going to go. Anyone got a few thousand dollars laying around that they would like to share with me? No? :-/ I didn't think so... I'll keep looking.

Having made this small step towards the larger decision I have now become an incredible stress-puppy. It's all I think about now and I can feel my body functioning at a heightened sense of stress because of it; my heart is beating a bit faster, I can feel my blood pressure is slightly elevated, my stomach turns and flips as I debate how I will struggle to get money and how I will tell everyone that I am going. The whole thing just pretty much has me freaking out, but on a quiet nearly subconscious level. It's like screaming on the inside, and no one can hear. There are the fleeting moments where I think of it in a less stressful light.... sometimes I imagine what it will be like and dream about spending time in Israel. But those moments are few and far between as I quickly snap back to reality and think... am I crazy to be considering this!?!

It doesn't help that I've had a shitty week at work. Yesterday I had a particularly stressful meeting with some higher-ups (of a customer company, not mine) that didn't go well at all. During the meeting (in a tiny and hot boardroom with 8 of us crowded inside) I kept drifting in and out of attentiveness as people talked. I felt like I was having truly surreal moments of awareness as I watched my marketing manager pleading his case to his biggest customer. I just stared, not really hearing the words, and I thought.... what the hell am I doing here? Here we all are... sitting in our fancy suits and whatnot... pleading for some guy to give us his business. Is this where I imagined I would be one day? Is this where I am supposed to be? Then of course I drifted to thoughts of Israel and whether I should be going or not. Or more accurately, if I can afford to go or not. I was brought back to reality when I heard my name being mentioned and I realized it was my cue to speak.

But I digress. It's Friday afternoon now and I am trying to find a way to calm down and unwind for the weekend. I will go to the gym after work, which will help. Then I will eat and have a nap. And then later tonight I am meeting my friends and we are going to do some late-night curling (11pm - 1am). Yes, you heard me.....curling. No, despite being Canadian, I have no idea how to curl. In fact, I'm not even entirely clear on the rules of curling... I know one person sends a round rock sliding down the ice and a couple of others sweep the ice with brooms...and that there's a whole lotta yelling. But that's about it. I've never done it, and neither have most of the friends that will be joining me. But we figured, what the hey! It should be amusing if nothing else. Upon mentioning this to my mother I was informed that her father was a great curler back in his days.... too bad he died when I was 3, I would love to have gotten to know him. Perhaps I will be able to conjure the ghost of Grandpa Bill and he can help me play.

shabat shalom, folks!