Saturday, November 06, 2004
thinking outside my bubble
Lately I've had a strange and quietly burning desire to do...... something. Something big. Maybe....make a big move to another country. Or maybe volunteer for an organization somewhere else in the world. Either way I seem to have an odd desire to put myself in a position in which I am outside my normal comfort zone. I have no idea why I feel I need to do this, other than I believe you learn a lot about yourself in such situations. I believe that if you put yourself in a scenario where you are forced to re-evaluate what's important, it will forever change your view of your priorities in life. How can it not?

Even my limited life's travels have caused me to look at my life differently and made me question what's important. These travels cause this pull in my life towards exploring the world and seeing how others live. Like the pull I feel towards Israel. Every time I come home from a trip there I am imagining what it would be like if I lived there. I look around at my life here in Canada and appreciate all that I have so much more because of my time in Israel. Everything, from the changing of the leaves in autumn to our healthcare system. There's no doubt that life here is good. Comfortable. So why is it that when I hear about a tragic event in Israel, such as a suicide bomber, I want to get on a plane right then and there and go to Israel? What happens in my brain (and heart) that I have the exact opposite reaction to most people, and I want to go to where the 'danger' and turmoil is? I can't explain it. After the latest pigua (bombing) in Tel Aviv I actually thought... 'I want to move to Israel and become a paramedic'. I was soon overwhelmed by the fact that it would take, at the very least, about 6 years to make such a thing happen (yes, I went so far as to look into it online). Not only would I need to go back to highschool to get chemistry to even *start* the paramedic's course, somewhere along the way I would have to re-learn it all again in Hebrew. Oh right, and I'd have to LEARN Hebrew first. *sigh* I'd be pretty old by the time I got through all that. The funny thing is, never in my life have I ever thought about being a paramedic; it's something I have no interest in doing here in Canada, but if I were in Israel it would be something I would consider. Strange....

But I digress.
Even as I feel this desire to do "something" I find myself wrestling with the concept. My heart and brain are in complete disagreement over the matter. My brain plays to the view presented by society that I have a nice home, nice job and nice car. If I walk away from that I may never be able to get it back. So if things didn't work out on whatever endevour, I'd have to come back to Canada with my tail between my legs and likely not a penny to my name. Oh god, I'd probably have to move back in with my parents! LOL! Pretty unappealing at 30 years old, lemme tell ya.

So my brain tries to rationalize with my heart.... it tells my heart that it would be foolish to leave the secure life I have to head out into the blackness that is uncertainty. Fears come into play easily and I quickly talk myself out of it. But then a short while later I find myself thinking about it yet again. It's almost as if it's getting more pressing... as if to say that if I don't do it now while I have no commitments (ie: a mortgage, husband, kids (not that I plan on having any, but you know what I mean), etc..) I will never do it. If I don't follow my heart now it may be too late; I may find my "soul mate" and settle down and that will be it. I will settle into the routine of marriage and house and job, and left wondering... what if?

Ok, that's a bit dramatic, but my brain works that way. I have a way of overthinking... ask anyone who's ever had the joy of being my friend or lover. It can be exhausting. lol
So what do I do about this nagging feeling.... voice.. in my heart? I have been looking over a website that shows volunteer options in Israel, but most of those require money, and that's something I just don't have. And even if I could find funding... would I be brave enough to do it? Tell my boss that I'm leaving for 5 months? A year? Maybe forever? I just don't know. I don't know if I could overcome my fears. Because while some would accuse me of just being too comfortable in my Canadian lifestyle where I have everything at my fingertips... the fact of the matter is, I *do* love it here. I grew up here. I love everything about it; the seasons, the attitudes, the people, the environment, not to mention my family and friends. For the first time in my life I am actually happy with my life. Am I willing to give this all up for some little voice telling me I need to do something radical?? Why do I feel this need to take it all and shake it up when I am finally happy??

Perhaps I should try something small. Volunteer locally? I'm not sure that would quench the thirst. I seem to feel the need to be elsewhere. But wouldn't it be wise to try volunteering around here first?


Any rich philanthropists reading this feel like sending me to an Israeli Ulpan to learn Hebrew for five months? Coz that's what I'd really like to do. I wanna be submerged in it to learn it. Away from my normal routine and distractions. Away from everything I know; my family, my friends... my life. It would be part of that "character building" scenario I seem to be craving, and it would also give me the chance to learn Hebrew as I have wanted to for so long. So if some rich and generous soul is reading this and feels like contributing to my strange life's mission to learn Hebrew, you can find my e-mail address in the right hand column there. Feel free to contact me. lol

Hm. All this reminds me.... I forgot to buy a lottery ticket last night. Damn! 17 million dollars! Maybe I should go out and get one for tonight's draw..