Saturday, April 17, 2004
taking a deep breath
I could cry right now. I am in a crazy place in my life, right at this moment, at 9am on a Saturday morning. I have decided I am finally ready to take step towards dealing with my feelings about someone in my past that will hopefully allow me to let go of a lot of hurt (and no, this isn't about some jaded past with a boyfriend, this is about the most influential friendship I have ever had). I have a lot of rage, hurt and love for this person and I have been putting off dealing with it all for a very long time now. But things have a way of coming back and nagging you until you deal with them. Finally this morning I began to write a letter to this person, which may not seem like a life altering event to all of you, but it will be to me. I have been putting off writing this letter for about 6 months because it requires me to relive past events and feel the pain all over again in order to purge my feelings on the matter. I was not ready, but now I think I am. Just before this post I began writing it because suddenly the first paragraph came to my head easily and it just felt right to write it down. So I have now written the first 4 paragraphs of this letter, but to finish it may well take days. Letters like this often take me many hours....I like to make sure I put great thought into every word, as it's important that it accurately reflects how I feel. I like to choose my words *very* carefully.

Writing this will be very painful, but I think I am ready to go through the range of emotions and will be able to stand strong afterwards, not melt into a puddle on the floor. And then the big question will I send the letter or not? If just writing it will be enough, I would love to leave at that. Why? Well, I don't want to set myself up for disappointment by thinking this letter will move the intended reader at all. What if the person I send it to doesn't respond at all, which is entirely possible (maybe even probable!). Would the anticipation of a response leave me hanging? Would the wonderment of what s/he is thinking make me even crazier as I try to guess what the reaction was? I might even get angry that I put so much painstaking thought and feeling into it only to have it seemingly ignored. All these are very real possibilities given our past interactions.

For now I will continue to write the letter over the next while. I will go back to it as thoughts call me to, and I will laugh and I will cry as I go through the past 2 years and express how they made me feel then and now. And if I can truly be prepared for no reaction or even an unfavourable reaction, then I will send it. The big big question is....what is it I am trying to achieve? Do I want this person to say that s/he is sorry? Because if I do, I am doing this for all the wrong reasons. I should be doing it for ME, not for a specific reaction that I would like from the person (and chances are I won't get an apology, trust me). I have to be doing this for me and only for me, and to be honest enough with myself to know if I am doing it for some other reason. It is meant to be a release, nothing more. And it should be written out of love, not hate.
We shall see when I am done......

Anyway, I went to see Kill Bill 2 last night. Fantastic!!!!!! I absolutely loved it! And for those who bellyache that it's too bloody or whatever, I assure you that this one is much less so. It still had it's moments of course, but it was awesome. And some of the dialogue was friggin' PRIMO. Tarantino has a way of writing these well thought out monologues for characters that bring seemingly brilliant insight to everyday things (ie: cheesebrugers in Pulp Fiction. lol). This time it was Superman, and being the geek that I am, I loved it. And since I went to see it with my geek friends we of course talked about it at great length in a coffee shop after the movie. *grin* We had so much fun last night.

Today I am running around and cleaning up my apartment; I am having overnight guests! My cousins are dropping off their two boys to spend the night with me while they go to a wedding. will I keep an 8 and 10 year old busy for the night? I think it'll be glow-in-the-dark mini golf, pizza and a few rented movies for us. These kids are easily impressed, so I'm sure by the end of this I'll seem like the coolest cousin ever. lol!

And then it's up bright and early to see my guests off and then head out with my geek friends for a toy show. Woot woot! Geek fun! What's not to love??
Have a great weekend everyone..