Friday, November 21, 2003
position available, apply within
I had an emotionally shitty day today. Everything else was great, I just had some moments that drained my emotions and energy in a cruddy kinda way. I hate to succumb to a bad mood when it's such a beautiful Friday; the temperatures here in Toronto have been phenomenal, with it reaching a staggering 12C (53.6 F) today. That might not seem so "staggering" to some, but that's an amazing temperature in mid-November in Canada. Other parts are currently buried under 6 feet of snow, and I'm walking around without a jacket. In fact on Sunday it's supposed to hit 15C (59F)! On one hand I like it, on the other hand I am dying for some snow. I love it. :-)

But I digress.
The point is that today I could really use a best friend to talk to. Not just someone to talk to, but a best friend who knows me inside and out, knows that when I sigh it means I got something on my mind I need to share, knows that sometimes it takes a bit of prying but in the end I will share everything, and someone who knows my history to know how a particular problems fits into the big puzzle that is me. Know what I mean?

Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of friends that I love and adore, and that I feel very close to. Some I have known for over ten years (a few over 20 years!), and they know me pretty damn well by now. But I'm the sort of girl that has a large group of friends, but one really close friend. That person is my friend, my soul sistah, my confidante, and my shoulder to cry on. We finish each other's sentences, and share the same silly and sick sense of humour. This is the friendship in which the line between friend and family gets blurred. This person knows everything from what I take in my coffee to what the name of my hometown is (a hole in the wall few have even heard of). I feel as welcome at her dinner table as I do at my own.
Getting the point? lol Okay, no need to drag it on, you get it by now, I'm sure.

So the position of best friend has been void in my life for a few months now. It hasn't really been a problem, because as I said, I have close friends that I can go to if I really need to talk. But I am missing that kindred spirit that comes with a close friend. My last friendship had dissolved under difficult conditions, and I hold no ill will towards her throwing in the towel on our friendship. I still love her, and I, for the most part, understand why she did it. I'm not sure I agree with how it was done, but I think I get why. And just because I get it doesn't mean I have to like it or agree with it.

So now I am left feeling a little jaded and not exactly keen to get back into the friendship saddle again anytime soon. It was years before I allowed that friend to get close to me, and I'm not so sure I'm interested in doing it again. Letting someone know you that well is a pretty scary thing, especially if you're let down. I have another friend of mine trying to instill patience in me, telling me that perhaps one day down the road that friendship can be put back on track (she herself had been in the *exact* same scenario, and reconciled the friendship after 2 years of silence), but I have said there is little to no chance of that ever happening. I know precisely what I need to hear from that person in order to begin to fix it, and I know for a fact I will never hear those words. With that in mind I have closed the book on that friendship as best as I can and I have most definitely moved on. I still talk to her here and there which is pretty cool (and sometimes she even helps me with my homework!), but the depth is long gone. I miss her, but life goes on. Friendships ebb and tide...such is life.

Relating this back to the start of my post, I have had one of those days where I wish I could call her up and talk about the emotional crap I went through today. It was hard, and she would SO get me, and have some good stuff to say on the matter. And none of that coddling crap; if I need to be told something straight up, she woulda given it to me.
For now I guess I'll put a cork in that bottle and put it up on a shelf. Instead I'll share with you, my audience (of about 4. LOL). Not the details, but the moment. :-) Thanks for listening to my rant!

On much brighter note, I think I'm going to see the movie Gothika tonight with my buddy-ole-pal across the hall, Princess Blondie, and her beau. Eeek!! I'm so excited it looks like such a scary movie. :-D This oughtta scare that other nonsense right out of my head. lol
Speaking of nonsense in my head, why the hell aren't you people reading my other blog Technicolour Dreams? My dream last night was friggin' hilarious!! I dreamt Harrison Ford was telling everyone his name was Peanut Butter. LOL

Oh, and one more thing (how much longer does this entry need to be?!)..... While I was sitting in the ever charming rush hour traffic on my way home from work I looked in the car to the left of me and noticed a glass unicorn hanging from the rearview mirror. Cheesy looking thing with two red beads tied to the string above it. Odd, I thought. Then I look in rearview mirror and looked into the car behind me and noticed this woman had some kinda small purse/pouch type of thing hanging from HER rearview mirror. Now I'm thinking, that's it I'm posting about this when I get home.....when I glance over at the truck beside me. Buddy had the stereotypical fuzzy dice hanging from his mirror along with an ugly yellow maple leaf air freshener (a delightful variation on the Christmas Tree freshener). Very nice, bet the ladies love this look.
So my question is this: do you have anything hanging on your rearview mirror? if so, what is it? This leaves you out Dogg, since you have no car, but Si, you're up to bat. (I got 5 bucks that says it's a cross or rosary beads. :-)