I don't know why, but I always figured my family didn't really have any secrets. Sure we had a tiny "scandal" or two and stuff that didn't get talked about, but no real secrets that I didn't know about. All that naivete came to an abrupt end last night when I learned of a dark secret that had been hidden from me and buried for 37 years. Due to a bizarre set of circumstances (including a family member in counseling) this tidbit of information was shared with me in a teary and emotional moment last night, and it's all I have been thinking about since. (I must apologize for not being able to get into specifics but I must protect the privacy of the family member involved)
I knew bits and pieces of the story... but this piece of the puzzle answers so many questions and fills in so many gaps. I thought I knew the whole story but I now realize I was only aware of the tip of the iceberg. And when this information was revealed to me I didn't quite know how to take it. My brain was swimming in a sea of emotions as flashbacks of the players in this story raced through my mind. As I sorted through the new information I felt a wave of emotion.... first of tears and hurt and sorrow.... and then all out rage
. I am now still stuck in the rage and I fear it's growing. The problem is... many of the players involved in this are now dead. So how can I reconcile my feelings when I can't even have it out with those people? I can't give a piece of my mind for what was done to someone I care so deeply about. So I am stuck having the make-believe argument in my head of what I *would* say to those people if I could. This of course does not help with the stewing rage and has ensured I am exhausted at work this morning from lack of sleep.
I am also troubled because I am finding my rage is slowly turning towards someone who is alive and that I can blame for sitting on the sidelines ignoring this past tragedy. I know my rage wants someone to blame but I don't want it to get directed towards someone now that I care about very much and am extremely close to. But at the same time.... I already see this person differently now because of this. I already wonder... how could this have happened and why did you react the way you did?
I don't know what to do and I don't know how to get a grip on how I feel. All I know is that I suddenly understand why people do some crazy things when they find out someone they love has been hurt. And so help me god, the person who did this is lucky to be dead... because I don't know what I'd do...
thanks for listening, I know that was a bit cryptic and dark. I just needed to get it off my chest so it doesn't eat me alive.