Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Danger, Will Robinson, DANGER!!
Ugh. I'm in the early stages of a complete meltdown over this f'n trip to Israel (see prior post if you're just joining us). One minute I am all pumped about going and the next minute I am stressing about the money and overall decision. (my big solution as of right now? must buy lottery tickets this week!)

On Monday when I had put down my deposit I was all happy and excited, if not insanely nervous. Mere hours later I was dragged into the boss' office to get a lecture about talking on the phone too much (which I don't normally do, but that morning I was on my phone talking to a friend overseas) and about spending too much time on the internet. I just sat there and let him say what he wanted and didn't bother defending myself, because it's true. I'm not into my work or my job lately, so what could I say? I was wrong and I knew it. But as he was talking to me, all I could think was... just say 'fuck it', and go. Just quit your job now and start ... start what?? See? This is the crazy side of me coming out. I can't let the crazy side rule because the crazy side loves to make rash decisions. Quitting right now would be THE dumbest thing I could do for oh-so-many reasons.

So anyway, I have been talking to a few other people about my options. Harry has rightly pointed out that I could do a 5 month trip to Israel on far less than the $7,000 I have figured this trip will cost me (which is a foolishly conservative number, it will no doubt be higher). When I thought about this I started to question the wisdom of this whole thing. Then again, this trip is structured and offers me access to places and activities that I likely wouldn't if I did a trip on my own. Ugh, I just don't know. Is this a bad decision??????

Katie-Yael also suggests I just go the full distance and move to Israel. She isn't the first to make this suggestion, but seeing as I can't even debate a 5 month trip without falling apart, I'm not sure I can ever entertain that idea. Sure it would take care of a few of the money problems, but that opens a whole new can of worms (and stress!). I'm just not ready to think about that yet. I'm too busy wondering if I am about to make the worst decision of my life.

And I didn't go to my Hebrew class last night. I'm not sure why.. I made a lot of excuses up in my head. Like if I am going to go to Israel I should start saving money now, and those classes cost money. Then again, learning Hebrew would seem to be a good idea before I go, no? In the end I just didn't go because I was in an anti-social mood because I'm stressed right out. My brain is in overload and I have to walk around amongst people and act like everything is perfectly fine.. I hate it. Inside I'm screaming... outside I am saying "I'm fine, thanks. How are you?"