Sunday, March 21, 2004
psssssst.......*this* way.....
Most of my life I have drifted along, without much of a clue about anything. I'll admit it. But in the last 6 years or so, I started to get a feeling once in a while that occasionally made me question the direction in which I was currently going. Sometimes I would get a nagging feeling that I should be going in a different direction...trying something new, or seizing an opportunity. Or sometimes I would get a feeling like I was going in the entirely wrong direction in my life, and get the haunting notion that I'm not following the path I was intended. Have you ever had this?

You might recall I had this feeling earlier in the often comes with angst I am experiencing in my life when it comes to my job. In January I had decided that the powers that be wanted me to try my hand at a few new things. So I got myself a second job and cleaned up my eating habits; I made some good changes and have felt great for the effort.
However, if it's one thing I've learned, it's that this mysterious nagging isn't always so obvious about what I should be doing. Just because I got the feeling that I should take another job, doesn't mean the opportunity lies within the job itself, for instance. Maybe it's setting me up to meet someone who could influence my life in a different direction. Truly it's frustrating trying to listen to this little inner voice of mine, because it friggin' well mumbles when it speaks; I can't always tell what I'm supposed to do or what the point is of an action I feel like I'm supposed to take.

Anyway, that nagging voice quieted when I took the second job at the scuba shop, and I went back to tripping merrily along in life. However, I'm getting the feeling again. Usually the feeling is pretty black and white; it gives me the impression that I'm either to head in a specific direction, or to just stop the direction I'm going in, and maybe even turn around. This time, however, it's feeling different. It feels like....I I maybe didn't take a choice far enough...or I'm on the right path...BUT.......but something. I don't know. It's like.. "yes, you're going in the right direction and the things you are doing now are part of it...but you're still not doing this".
It's driving me batty. I think I know what the last piece of the puzzle is, but it's so logistically out of the question that there is no way it's going to happen. It's a big move, and I am just not willing to take such a huge chance. I'm not. Not right now, anyway. So what am I supposed to do? What do you do when you feel like you should do something that seems impossible? And I'm not talking something that's really hard, but definitely attainable (like shedding a lot of weight, or learning a new language), I'm talking about something that could have devastating effects if you fail.

Ok, I'm just talking in circles now, so I'm gonna drop it. All's I'm saying is that I feel like I'm not quite done with something in my life that I was hoping I was. There is more to my drive to go back to visit Israel than I am willing to consider. That's all.


Sorry I disappeared for a couple of days, but things have been a bit busy, and I really just didn't have much to say. I didn't think I needed to bore you with details about hanging out with my brother Friday afternoon, for instance. And yesterday I worked....I'm betting you don't need to hear the boring details of another day in retail hell. lol. Actually, it wasn't so bad, I work with a great girl who helped the day go by fast. I'm feeling a bit at odds with this job, but I'll post more on that another time.

However, last night I went and saw an awesome movie.....Dawn of the Dead! It's a remake of the old classic zombie movie, and it was excellent!!!! Scary, funny, creepy....all that good stuff (and it was filmed in Toronto, to boot!). Great cast, and really well put together (and great site, you should check it out). If it's one thing I've learned from this movie and the last zombie movie that scared the hell out of me (28 Days Later), it's that the idea of world chaos and a massive outbreak of a disease (or some other such catalyst) scares me pretty much more than anything. And this was the thing that scared me about Dawn of the Dead; it wasn't the zombies running around (ok, maybe a bit, they were really scary!) it was the psychological aspect that terrified me. What would *I* do in that situation? It's every man for himself, and in many cases your family has been wiped out, you are on the run trying to survive, and everyone is your enemy. Gahhh!! I can't imagine! I think I would totally curl up into a ball on the floor and whimper.
So yeah, if you wanna see a totally scary movie with fast running zombies, be sure to check it out. I think I might even go see it again, it was that good. But for now.....I'm gonna go get ready for another day of work. *yAWn*