Monday, December 08, 2003
the storm within
I am in some strange emotional state today. Absolutely everything is making me cry (and no, it's not PMS, thank you very much!). I've been trying to figure out just what the problem is, and I don' think I know for sure. I think part of it has to do with last weeks events; I finally had time to stop and process it over the weekend, and it's bothering me. And with that, I am sad that it has shown once again that I can no longer rely on someone whom I believed was a friend once upon a time.

And I think this simple little date I went on has me examining a few things in my life. This is the first time in a very long time where someone has piqued my interest enough to have me wonder "what if"? I'm not explaining it very well, but I guess my point is that when new doors open others must close. And between this and the crisis last week, the door has been closed and now sealed on an old friendship. And without full closure on the matter, I'm having a hard time letting go.

For some reason this is has me now reflecting on my trip to Israel in June. The trip, without going into detail (to protect the other parties involved) didn't go very well. I have a sea of regrets and have more bad memories of it than good. This makes me deeply sad. And now I am worried that the trip will leave a sour taste in my mouth for a country that I love very much.
I was speaking online to a good friend of mine in Israel, and telling him about how badly I want to go back and do the trip right. And about how one of my greatest regrets was not taking the time to see him when I was there (we have talked online and on the phone for a year now). He was instrumental in helping me deal with my friend moving there, and I would love the opportunity to finally meet him.
So now I am a little on the bitter side that I wasted opportunities while I was there. I am angry that I have mixed feelings about Israel, and I am most of all angry that I cannot financially afford to go back and make it right for myself. They say that money doesn't make the world go round, but it's sure stopping me from going around the world. I am dying to go back to israel, but it's just not in the cards....not for a very long while.

Maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed and I'm feeling sorry for myself. Pity parties are an easy trap to fall into, so I had better pull myself together. Princess Blondie has been an angel and offered to do girlie stuff to help me chill out a bit, so we might do something after work. And Lucky has been a sweet fella, checkin' up on me and sending me an e-mail that brought a smile to my miserable face. He's a good lad.

And hey, I'm glad you're all excited about me going on a date! LOL! Almost as excited as my mom....I think she was resolved to having a spinster for a daughter; 40 cats, but no children. No pressure on Lucky and I at! *wink*
*grin* You don't always get what you want....sometimes you get what you need. :-)