Tuesday, March 15, 2005
wandering without direction
I have come to realize a major problem with me.... I really and truly don't know what I want. And I mean in nearly *every* respect, in the grand scheme of things.

After the demise of a recent relationship I came to realize that maybe I actually *don't* want to be in a relationship. I felt so liberated when it ended and I was thrilled to get my free time back. I could lounge in my pajamas or go out with friends after work.... whatever I wanted! Without complaints from someone that I wasn't spending enough time with him! It feels great and I have to wonder... am I happier when I am single?? I always suspected that, but now I'm left wondering..... am I happier when I am single or is it just that I haven't found someone that I am willing to give up my "free time" for?

Then there's my job. Once upon a time I really liked my job, and every now and then I still have moments in which I enjoy it. But for the most part I am drifting in and out of the office with no real recollection of the days events. I have become lazy because I lack motivation and drive. I don't like feeling lazy because it leaves a horrible feeling of deceit in my gut (pretending to be busy can be like that), but there I am being flat-out lazy. I hate it, and while I joke that it's just how I am..... I'm really not. Given the right job and right circumstance I am willing to work my ass off. Afterall it's far more fulfilling and rewarding to accomplish something rather than just sit and pass time. So what to do? I hear time and time again that I should do what I love. But what is that exactly? Certainly nothing I could earn a living at, I assure you. If I am to answer my calling I need that calling to speak up.... because I have no idea what I truly want to do. If I did, I'd be making moves towards it, I assure you. I have spent the better part of the last year trying to figure out what it is I want to do...... and I still have no answer.

And what about this trip to Israel? As I wrote to a friend of mine in an e-mail last night: "Do I really wanna go? Am I dragging my feet about applying (for financial aid) because I am afraid? Probably. I fear for all that I could lose because I have a hard time imagining what I can gain." Writing that last night helped me put a name to things.... I mean, I knew fear was holding me back, but I realized it was because I could only predict what could go wrong... I have no way of predicting how right things could go. This trip could open up a lot of doors for me, in ways that I cannot imagine. And that's the problem... it's in ways that I cannot imagine. If I could it would alleviate my fears.

At any rate, I have decided to push ahead with my application process and fight my fears. I obviously need something to shake up my world and give me new perspective and maybe this trip is it. But I'll have to fight my laziness and fear and knock on many doors for funding. If this is going to happen I need to buck up here and work towards making it happen rather than letting it pass me by and making excuses as to why I couldn't go. If I don't go on this 5 month trip to Israel it had best not be because I didn't try and make it happen.

As Yoda once said: "Do, or do not. There is no try".