I had this whacked dream last night. I dreamt that I was walkin' around all grumpy because I thought no one had remembered my birthday, all the while trying to act like I didn't care. Then suddenly some guy and a camera crew show up with two of my friends in tow. The guy had this "great plan" in which I would sing a catalogue of songs while he films me for what I can only suppose is a spot on a show or the news (how exactly is this a birthday present?). I was plunked down on a couch along with one of my friends as the guy explained how I would be singing many songs (like TWENTY) and how fabulous all this was going to look on film. This struck me as a bad idea on SO many levels, not the least of which was the fact that I am, by all accounts, a horrible singer. Oh, and did I mention the songs were in Hebrew?

It was clear that I was supposed to know these Hebrew songs like any good Jew, and so I was immediately beginning to panic since I in fact did NOT know these songs at all and was now about to be filmed trying to sing them. I elbowed my friend beside me to sing along when the time came, figuring he would know them better than I would (coz he's a better Jew?? I dunno. it's actually laughable because in real life my Hebrew is far better than his, and that's not saying much). As we began I tried to follow what my friend was singing, trailing behind him by a word each time, acting more like an echo to everything he sang. And when I couldn't follow him I just sort of randomly tossed out words I do know (glida, seret, dag, chai, mayim....anything goes!). The stress of trying to fake Hebrew in front of a camera and watching people finally woke me up in a pool of sweat. Whew!

What does all this mean, you may ask? Well it could have something to do with the fact that (all going well) I will be celebrating my birthday among strangers this fall. The program I want to go to in Israel starts a week or so before my birthday.... so I won't have my usual family and friends around me this year. Indeed, likely no one will even know, and I'm not one to advertise such things (especially since I will be far older than most of the other people in the program). I will be among my program peers for my birthday.
Or maybe the dream has something to do with my fear of being a "lesser" Jew than others. That's a whole other story, but it's safe to say it IS a complex I carry with me. It could also have to do with my deep seated fear of being in a country in which I can't speak the language. I know I know, most everyone in Israel speaks English to one degree or another, but it's a thing with me. I don't like feeling helpless because I can't communicate.

Or maybe I just fear singing Hebrew songs on camera. *shrug*

So this morning I received some devastating news..... I will have to pack a sleeping bag for my trip. Why is this so catastrophic? Well, I am a notorious over-packer so the idea of losing valuable luggage space to a sleeping bag is unthinkable. Ok, it's true I don't know if I'm actually going or not, and yes it's true I don't actually even own any luggage yet... but I have been "mentally packing" over the last week or two. You know, making mental notes of what I will have to pack and what supplies I will have to buy. Most airlines only allow two big suitcases so I gotta plan 5 months of packing carefully. Deborah over at Livnot (get used to the name, folks. you'll be hearing a lot about her) has suggested that I could mail the bag ahead of my arrival and she would pick it up, which is both brilliant and kind of her to offer. I may have to consider this option. Who knew a simple sleeping bag could put my neurosis into overload??
Oh great, now I have the ZZ Top song "Sleeping Bag" stuck in my head (a clip of the song can be heard in that band name link). Thanks for nothing, Deborah!!

Speaking of Deborah, I'd like to once again thank her for her charming emails and patience with me. I say patience because not only have I become a pest about news regarding my financial aid application, I have also had moments of snapping at her. One day at work I was in one of those moods that indicates that the end of the world may be near; I'm not sure what went so horribly wrong that day.... perhaps a printer jammed or I was asked to do a task I didn't have any interest in doing.... but Deborah had the misfortune of calling that day. The only thing that went in her favour was that I had not been able to answer my phone when she called, but that didn't deter me from writing a scathing email in response to her call. She had simply asked for my deposit for the program, which set me off like a rocket because, as I mentioned, the world was ending that day and in fact I had already paid the deposit months ago. And so with the moons aligning just right between my mood at work and being asked for a third time for my deposit which had long ago been paid, I snapped. Sorry about that Deborah! Timing is everything and clearly it wasn't working in your favour that day.

As a token of my appreciation I have added a picture in the post just for you. Unfortunately I had to resize the picture so the words at the bottom of the sign can't be read. It is as follows: Hi Deborah!! (and Susie and Laurie). Please pass my love along to the other two girls since it can't rightly be read. They'll just have to believe me.

Ok everybody? Let's be nice to Deborah.... she's helping me out. If YOU want to help me out you can bloody well click on the "help celestial blue" button and buy a bracelet. DO IT!!! Forget sending a kid to camp, send me to Israel!!