Sunday, June 12, 2005
the internal turmoil is boiling over
The stress has culminated into a bit of a meltdown the last two days. I have learned that the likeliness that my job will be waiting for me upon my return to Israel is slim. Indeed, the position may be closed altogether (which makes me feel extra useful, let me tell ya!). I knew this was a possibility and was all part of the risk, but I guess I was just hoping it wouldn't come to that. The idea of coming home after a 5 month trip with a boatload of debt and having to live with my parents again.... well it takes a bit of the edge off the fun. I am trying to be all philosophical about this and remind myself that sacrifices have to be made if I am to follow this path, wherever that path may lead me. But I am a girl who likes her security and I am about to strip myself of my security blanket and take a dive into the unknown.

I see my whole world differently now, and I haven't even left for Israel yet. I haven't heard back from financial aid to see how much money I will get to make this happen, and everybody has stopped supporting me by buying bracelets. I look around my apartment and try to memorize everything about it in case I have to move out in 2 months. I love this apartment and the idea of leaving it makes me sad. As I drive along in my car with my windows down in the cool summer night air, tunes playing, and on my way to meet my friends for a night out on the patio for drinks and laughs.... I think, wow..... I am SO going to miss this. As I sit and talk with them, glasses clinking and laughs filling the air around us I find myself sometimes in this dream-like state. I just sit back and observe and again try to burn this moment into my mind and memory so I can recall it later. It's not a good way to be, I should be more present in the moment and just enjoy it, I know that.

I guess I have reached the point of no return and panic is setting in. Money is far from a settled issue, but I have told work I am leaving. The cat is out of the bag and everyone knows I'm going..... there's no turning back now. I am starting to question the wisdom of my decision and am trying to keep the faith that there is a reason for this journey even if it's not immediately clear to me. I am having trouble eating and sleeping..... this decision is weighing on my mind ALL the time. Where am I going to get the money? What am I going to do about a job when I come back? How will I pay off my debts?

One thing that *has* crossed my mind...... if I don't have to hurry back because my job is waiting.. what's to keep me from staying a little longer? }:-)